Poison

       The lab happily gulps anything I toss to him, including a fish oil capsule. The rat terrier lets it hit the floor, approaches carefully, eyes it from two sides, smells it, then looks at me as if to ascertain my intent. No wonder she's lived so long. She could use the lab as a food tester, but she'd starve.

Beauty Hurts

       She had traffic stopping good looks, walking across the WalMart parking lot.  Unfortunately, the new black Camaro didn't stop, and ran into the Volvo in front of it. She didn't flinch, but kept walking into the store like this happened every day.  Two crew cuts got out of the cars, shook hands and laughed together.
       She was in the checkout line in front of me, and the teenage cashier was obviously intimidated by her, couldn't speak even though company policy requires it.
       Now I am of the firm belief that even beautiful people have personalities; deserve the common courtesy of a hello. For the checker's sake I decided to tease her a little.
       "You know that accident in the parking lot was your fault."
       She turned her head to me.  I thought I saw a flash of anger. Gawd, she WAS stunning.
       "Do you think you could tone it down a little?  You know, gain a few pounds, drag a couple of kids around, dress frumpier?  Public safety issue and all..."
       The anger in her eyes was replaced by a profound sadness, and tears welled up there.  She almost whispered, "I wish... sometimes."  She held my gaze for a full second, then turned back to pay for her groceries.  The cashier was staring at me like I was an ogre.  I was feeling like one.
        I should have told her my attempted compliment was badly timed, obviously. I should have asked if she was OK.  I should have reassured her that whatever was troubling her would pass. I should have offered to help, if I could.  But when she looked into my eyes, and I saw that hurt, that vulnerability, I froze like the teenager before me.  I choked out a "Sorry", and she gave me a half smile and a no-worries wave of forgiveness as she left.
        The checker asked if I knew who that was. I said "Nope", and left.  Thinking back after I got reoriented, I think he was about to tell me she was someone recognizable to a more informed person.
        If you had told me four hours ago that I could ever again be shaken by a look from any woman, a girl really, I'd have asked to share your drugs.  But I will never forget those eyes.
     
     
     

Benson Earns His Kibble

I'm tossing a toy for the dog that just shredded newspaper all over the house to protest being left home alone during the day all week.  There's a Dodger game on my earbud, and the force of a "wubba" launch flips the bud out of my ear into the wet leafy grass.  Dammit.  I look without moving my feet.  Don't find it.  I turn up the sound.  Traffic noise, no hope.  I plant a stick and search systematically for ten minutes in the rain.  Nope.  Then the light bulb over my head lights up. (Doesn't happen much anymore.)  I stick my finger into my ear, get it good and waxy, get Benson to sniff it, and pretend to throw something into the grass, telling him to "Bring it!". It took him all of fifteen seconds to find it, twenty feet away from where I'd stood.  He wouldn't pick it up (can't blame him), but he smiled and wagged his tail, snuffling in the grass around it.  Good dog.  It's just newspaper, not the couch, and he's right about being left with all that responsibility.

Dear Nora: Compromise

Dear Nora:
       I assume you are feeling pretty good about yourself.  You should be.  Things are going pretty much your way.  You raise your voice, folks don't ask, they jump.  They are quick learners.
       So, rock star, I'm glad you are the confident ruler of your world.  But, as you are probably becoming aware, the world at large is large indeed (It'll seem small later), and controlling the chaos there has proved exceedingly difficult for the generations that came before you.  Without a doubt, you have skills, but I'm going to suggest a couple of compromises that may help you avoid un-winnable battles others have fought.
       Language:  You may already be experiencing problems with English.  We all struggle with it.  There are other lingos, but few are much better, and NONE could match the fluid beauty and structure of the language you will develop on your own over the next year or so.  That's a given.  The sad conundrum though, is that change is difficult for people older than you, and convincing the greater world to adapt to your obviously improved tongue is a task of monumental proportion.  Some very talented folks have tried, some dedicating their entire lives to the task, to minuscule effect.  Then you have those, some in your own extended family, who spread and teach English dogma, and might resist your well intended efforts to improve it.  Your talent and the internet might be the force that changes the world, but I'd suggest that unless this is the purpose to which you are called to the exclusion of all else, give it up,  just enjoy sounds and words, and become expert in the languages that surround you.  But don't ever buy into the idea that language is static.  It is constantly evolving, to the point I can't understand folks your parent's age half the time.  So play with it. You can only make it better.  I don't even want to talk about spelling.
       Pooping:  It's an unintended but necessary consequence of eating.  Both are natural, positive functions, and distinctly satisfying.  Some time past, as our culture became more "civilized",  people started telling other people what to eat and where to poop, even attaching taboos and guilt, which has messed up many a mind for life, I'll tell you.  Don't ever buy into that c$@p.
       At some point, a hineywrap fad started, where some very good salesman convinced folks it was better to capture kid's poop against their skin to avoid scooping piles.  Bad call.  Kids protested, and now cream tube wielding parents chase unhappy kids around day and night, fighting the dual battles of diaper rash and only partially filled landfills.  Eventually, parents wear down, and start reading wistfully about toilet training.  When your time comes, use the pot. It's not as scary as it looks, and I'm not aware of one person who hasn't come around to it sooner or later in one form or another.  That's one convention history seems to have gotten right.  I enjoy mine.
       I hope my tips prove useful.  Feel free to use or discard them according to what makes sense.  I'll keep tossing my opinions out there.  You do the same.  K

All Things Grass

Batching it for dinner. Mrs. Grass soup doesn't have a flavor egg anymore. Where's the magic? I'm done with all things grass. It's not my fault if you are too young to know the golden flavor egg. Look it up. I'm not happy.

Nora: The Big Outside

Dear Nora:
       So you had an exposure to the big outside.  And you took Dad and Charlie along. Probably wise first time out.  What did you think?  Unlike anything you've ever seen, right?  That's what it's really all about, setting your fears aside and challenging your inside to experience as much outside as you can.
       The next bit of your life (all of it) will find a few challenges, none of which will present much difficulty for you if you remember one of my keys; stay curious.  The arbitrary milestones folks assign to the very young happen quite naturally and easily if you are curious.  You'll hold your head up because the view is better.  You'll scoot and eventually walk because you NEED to taste or touch something.  You'll imitate sounds and eventually speech because it's fun, AND because of the reactions you'll get.  (Words will freak them out at first; use with caution!)  Just remember to ignore timelines.  There are millions of things to learn.  Adults only a understand a small number of them, and your priorities and pace are your own, at least for now.
       I mentioned fears.  Fears are ideas that stop your growth. There will be setbacks.  You'll crawl into a wall, or fall down, or run into somebody who doesn't care about your progress.  Those are challenges, and they are sometimes painful.  But they only become fears if you allow them to stop you from exploring different ways to overcome them.  Stay curious, in spite of setbacks.  Humans weren't built to hide in their cribs.  Get out and live a little, even if it hurts once in a while.
       Now, I don't mean to imply that there are no risks in the world.  Between disease, animals, diseased human animals, age, gravity, and your own distracted brain, there are plenty of safety issues over which you have little control.  For now, that is Charlie and your Dad's business, and they take it seriously.  Later, when you (and they) are more confident, you won't want bodyguards.  Be aware of danger, define the risk, listen to your gut, train yourself to react.  (Sorry, this little lecture follows news of innocent people being hurt.  It happens.)  But don't let random dangers keep you from your marathon.
       You have a miracle brain.  It's true.  And you may be more in touch with all parts of it than you'll ever be.  One dirty trick of life is that the more you gather experience, the more focused you're brain becomes on functional purposes, losing versatility.  You will learn more in a minute today than I will in a month.  It boggles my mind.  And sometimes it is hard to be patient with boggled minds.  But that's what I'm asking you to do.  Whenever you have difficulty understanding the behavior of anyone over the age of about four, try to remember they may be out of touch with part of their brain, and be tolerant.  Help them if you can.
     
       I'll be in touch.  You do the same.  K
     
     

Dear Nora: Choices

Dear Nora:
       Now that you have established yourself, there are some preliminary choices you need to consider. Like what college you'll attend, your political party, a religious affiliation (or not), the professional sports teams you follow, and what shoes to wear.  The culture you were born into is one of extreme categorization (sorry, it's true).  When you pick a category and claim allegiance, like minded cohorts will begin opening doors.  All of your information will come from radical preferred sources, and you'll be expected to think and act like the group acts.
       People will judge you first on your looks (shoes), then on your association with groups.  Slap an Oakland Raider sticker on your stroller next time through the mall and watch the reaction if you doubt it's true.  So don't take these decisions lightly.  But no worries, you can change groups.  Members of Congress do it all the time.
       There are state colleges, prestige colleges, party colleges, nerd colleges, art colleges, God colleges, and lots more.  They pretty much all teach the same things, but people in groups look at the initials on the piece of paper with a prejudiced view.  If what you want to do in life depends on your class rank amongst snoots, then by all means, borrow the two hundred grand.  Otherwise, pick a place with a program that excites you, a pretty campus, and a social setting where you'll make friends for life.  For now you can just pick a school with a mascot that resembles a character on your crib mobile.
       When you choose a political party (doesn't matter which), the important thing to remember is to never compromise.  Loyalty to your politics outweighs any feigned concern for the country as a whole.  Gray area discussions are not allowed.  Independent thinking is holding our country back.  I'm not saying it's right, it just is.
       You probably should just attend the church your folks go to for a while.  Saves on fuel.  Plus you learn in detail the rituals and traditions of a faith that you can enjoy, and when you need it, fall back on.  Don't ever forget, though, that there are branches within every religion who do things differently, and lots of people in entirely different religions across the world, and good people who have no faith at all.  And all of those groups are more similar than some would have you know.
       Now Nora, I've known a few people who refused to let their associations define them.  It didn't matter to them if people thought their shoes were cool, or they went to an uppity school, or if political or religious leaders ranted in their behalf.  They were too busy with their life work.  That doesn't mean they weren't fun, or thinking, or involved; they just weren't followers of patterned thought.  It's a consideration.
       As for me, like most of America, I just want to be associated with a winner, whether or not I am one.  For a few years there, most of the groups I gave my heart to were losing, and it was difficult.  The Denver Broncos alone made me a shameful recluse, and it was too much work to swap loyalties. (I was close)
       Anyway, text me a list when you gather your affiliations.  I'll stock up on t-shirts and bumper stickers, because I'm a big follower of yours.  Periodically, I'll record a thought.  You do the same. K