Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Sleepless Rambling

1:  I squinted when my words were later hurled back in my direction.  I know why I've got crows feet.  You are what you eat. 

2:  People work themselves to death in salt mines.  I don't get it.  Salt is just ocean - less water.  Put some ocean in a bowl protected from rain and wait.  Voila!

3:  The next time I see someone in a pricey car parked across two spaces twenty feet from the WalMart entrance, I'm gonna wait 'til the car on their driver's side moves, then park six inches from their door, film their reaction when they come out, and make them famous on a TV home video show.  With the money I'll win, I can fix the dings in MY car from doors and carts being thrown into it.  Or maybe I'll have enough to quit shopping at WalMart (for philosophical reasons), or even enough to buy a new car, which, of course, I'll want to show off to my fellow WalMart shoppers while protecting the fruits of my hard won wealth. 

4:  I know someone who jumps a foot every time the cell phone vibrates in her pocket.  Everyone around her also recoils when she gets frantic for no apparent reason, like horses on the trail when the lead spots a rattlesnake.  She doesn't get many calls, but when she does, the whole room becomes energized.   I call her occasionally from the business phone a few feet away just for effect.  I'm considering packing my own cell on vibrate, or maybe just randomly flinching or squirming like a chipmunk ran up my pants leg,  just to create some buzz.

5:  A safety memo came out warning of the dangers of leaving the paper shredder powered up when not in use.  I wonder out loud what horrible accident created the need for this notification.  I'm picturing the destruction of a perfectly good silk tie and someone's face.  I..,  um, someone... printed a copy of the document and mangled half of it in the shredder, then smeared a bit from a catsup packet on what remained.  It rested on the brink of the trash can for the night shift to notice.  It was not IN the can the next morning, and I'm fearing a long and expensive investigation into whichever sophomoric moron is not taking safety seriously in the company.  If they find them, they should fire them. 

6:  We set a record for consecutive days with rain in Anchorage.  Woo-hoo.  Not many folks seem to be celebrating our accomplishment.  I, on the other hand, am a lemonade fan.  A wet summer has many (ok, some) benefits.  The parks are not crowded, so, while we took our lab swimming (he doesn't mind the rain), we picked over forty types of mushrooms.  We brought them home  for study, compared them to the trusty guide, and found three that "might" be edible (and might be poison).  So, I took the puppy into the dark forest on the slope of my property, and found more interesting varieties, all without food or hallucinogenic value (darn).  But we learned a lot, and the shrooming season has just begun.  We did find that the rain has not dampened the bugs' spirits, or slowed any plant growth.  There were a few berries, and a place where a large animal made a day bed (probably at night).  It's looking like we can put off getting refrigerated air for another year, and there will be plenty of mulch for the perennials.  I haven't spent much time or money on golf, or wasted any effort searching for northern lights or meteor showers.  I chose not to feed my lawn in the rain, so it's growth has slowed to where weekly cuttings are enough.  Anywhere else, these rains would create torrential floods, but there is no natural topsoil for our gardens here, so the water just drains away. And as any true Alaskan knows, it's plain silly to complain about the wet;  You don't shovel rain...

7:  At the end of the golf season you can find bargains on golf balls.  I bought some new Armour brand for a third of the normal price.  They seem very playable, but I understand the marketing problem that exists with the hot-dog connection.

8:  My partner was wearing a tortoise-shell claw in her hair.  It looks like some kind of medieval torture device.  I asked if the thing was a brain monitor and how it was doing.  She said, "Actually, it's not doing much of anything."  She said it. I didn't.  Not to worry; She seldom reads this stuuuuuu


1 comment:

Titanium said...

Hey! Back when I had hair, I used to wear one of those claws... only I called it "The Arachnid".

Brain monitor, eh... no wonder I had to get double-scanned by the TSA.